Ask Dr. Hedda: I’ve Been Having an Affair…with a Married Man

Posted on Feb 20 2013 - 4:08am by Dr Hedda Mae

I am having an affair...

Dear Dr. Hedda:

I’ve been having an affair with a wonderful man for three years. He is married but tells me that his wife is an invalid in a wheelchair for quite some time and they haven’t had a sexual relationship for over ten years. He won’t leave her because she is so ill.

I can’t call him, email or write to him because she may find out about us. And in a strange way I admire his feelings for her.

Yet we only get to see each other a few hours a week. And they are wonderful hours.

I recently joined a professional women’s club. At a recent social get together a bunch of us women were talking about men. One woman said she thinks her husband is having an affair. She said he leaves the house once or twice a week for a few hours each time. He calls it his quiet time and states it helps him relax and deal with her medical problems.
When I read her name tag I realized she was His wife. And she wasn’t in a wheelchair and her “Medical problem” was hypertension. Big Deal.

OMG am I a fool? What should I do. I have been in love with him for 3 years. I don’t want to lose him but now that I know he has been lying to me about her I wonder what else has he lied to me about.

How can I get him to own up to his lies, leave an apparently healthy wife and be with me?


Dear Anne:

Run, run fast, run as fast as you can. I don’t know this guys name but I can spell it “t r o u b l e” followed by heartache.

No one only lies once. There will be more lies to follow. This is a man who can’t be trusted. He doesn’t only lie but he’s made up elaborate stories to accompany them. Makes you wonder how many women have fallen for it. You’re probably not the first and you won’t be the last..

What you have learned is that you have a good heart and are capable of loving someone.

Next time you fall for a guy, check him out. Ask around about him and if necessary hire a Private Investigator to verify his background.

If this sounds brutal it’s because it is. You got taken once, shame on him. But it’s you’re responsibility not to let it happen to you again. If it does happen again -shame on you.

Dr. Hedda

About the Author

Dr Hedda Mae is a psychotherapist based in Oregon. She has been in private practice in both the clinical and private sectors and has spent many years as a national lecturer on subjects such as family dynamics, childhood and adult personality disorders and multicultural psychiatry. She can be reached at -

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