Dear Dr Hedda: He’s So Stuck Up!

Posted on Nov 26 2014 - 10:36pm by Dr Hedda Mae

Dear Dr Hedda:

Kevin and I have been dating for about three months. He is very likeable, kind and a good listener. I enjoy his company a lot.

We met on a blind date. One of my more successful ones. We seemed to hit it off right away. We talked for hours and I thought well, I finally met someone who has potential. Someone I might even have a relationship with.

When he kissed me goodnight it was one of those special first kisses. He hugged me closely and I couldn’t help but feel that he had an erection. Well good I thought. He really likes me.

Two dates later we found ourselves making love. He’s a good lover, considerate and slow. Like that song “I want a man with a slow hand…” After we were laying in bed together I noticed that he still had an erection. I thought that was a little odd but I rationalized it by saying to myself he is really turned on by me and I liked that idea.

We have had sex several times since then and I realized he always had an erection, even when we are doing non sexual things like walking my dog.

This can’t be normal. I have been with other men before and never saw anything like this.
I’m not sure if he really has an orgasm or if he even enjoys it.

I’m very hesitant about bringing the subject up. It’s so personal and what if he has something really dreadful wrong with him.

What should I do, should I just walk away from him, pretend it’s not really happening or try to talk to him about it? I’m not sure if I want to stay with him if it’s something awful he could pass on to me or our children.

Stuck Up

Dear Stuck up:

First it’s not catching.

Second, it is a serious medical condition. Not one that will kill him off young (if treated).

There are many causes for the condition that is called Priapism Some of the causes are related to medical conditions like diabetes, sickle cell, prostate cancer, lymphoma and our all time favorite – -recreational drug use (pot and cocaine most often) and trauma.

So depending on the cause you can understand the reason. It’s caused by the penis not being able to fully drain of blood after an orgasm. It is usually painful or at it’s least uncomfortable. Some men (and women can have this problem as well) do not experience a lot of discomfort or pain and just learn to live with it.

Can it be fixed, sometimes. Will he always be like that, maybe.

Can you deal with it ? That’s the big question. You need to talk about it. Find out what his cause of it is. Ask a million questions, like- how long has this been happening, what has he done about it, is he getting medical treatment, does he have any of the above mentioned medical problems? I’ve only given you the short list, there are other problems that can cause priapism.

Then you need to decide if you care about him enough to learn to deal with his condition as well.

Chances are is won’t go away. Is this the type of man you dreamed about? Always looking eager to have sex. Even when he is not all that eager. This can lead to many mistakes in reading body language and communication.

My advice is read up on it, decide if you can live with it and then talk to him. You need to know how he has dealt with this.

It’s sad to say but the best outcome is if it was caused by a now fixable trauma.

No one is perfect, this is just an unusual and curious imperfection

About the Author

Dr Hedda Mae is a psychotherapist based in Oregon. She has been in private practice in both the clinical and private sectors and has spent many years as a national lecturer on subjects such as family dynamics, childhood and adult personality disorders and multicultural psychiatry. She can be reached at -

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