Dear Dr Hedda:
We’ve all heard stories about people going to High School Reunions ten or twenty five years after graduation and running into old boyfriends and restarting the romance. Well I got one better than that. I went to my 50th High School reunion and ran into my old boyfriend from the 5th grade. That’s right the 5th grade. We were about ten then. All we did was hold hands and giggle a lot together. As time went on we went to the same Middle School and High School. We stayed as casual friends. Then when college time came the old group kind of broke up with several of us going to different colleges.
And yes, when we saw each other it was as if the years had melted away.
We had a great time and made plans to see each other again. We dated a few times and it was wonderful. I felt safe, and understood. We have so many shared life experiences. Then on our 4th date he told me he was married. An open marriage what ever that may mean. I guess she doesn’t mind him calling me or dating me.
But I mind. I got divorced a couple of years ago. He left me for another woman. And it hurt a lot. It was his betrayal as well as her (the other woman) betrayal to other women. I began to think of what kind of woman knowingly has sex with a married man.
Now I’m the other woman. I don’t know what to do. The past few years have been both lonely and filled with many meaningless dates with men that seemed right for a moment then disappointed me and there was no second dates. Then this happens and I get happy and excited that I found someone that I already know and like and I have to deal with the moral dilemma of am I the other woman that I spent the last few years hating.
Should I let this chance of happiness pass me by and stick to my moral guns or I am just to old for this shit and should I just walk away ?
Confused and alone
This is a both a moral dilemma and a modern day problem of social ethics.
What are you looking for in a man ? A long term relationship, someone to date from time to time or just an occasional lover. And does this man meet your criteria, your needs.
There are those who would say that once a man becomes a player (frequent cheater ) that they are always going to be players. You recently ended a marriage because it turned out your man was a player. Do you really want to start a relationship with another.
You can argue that this is somehow different. That he tells you that you are his one true love. That he has waited 50 years for you. That he is really not that kind of man anymore. But the bottom line is he is married.
What would you tell a friend in this type of situation. Probably run like the dickens you are going to be hurt, badly, at some point. He’ll tire of you, someone new will catch his fancy or his wife will intervene claiming “what open marriage, I don’t know what he’s talking about”.
Dating has changed over the years and at different times in our lives it means different things. What doesn’t change is our morals.
Do what is morally right for you. Not what’s right for him.