Dear Dr Hedda: May/December with Benefits?

Posted on May 11 2015 - 11:41am by Dr Hedda Mae

Dear Dr Hedda:

The nicest thing has been happening to me. But let me give you the back story first.

My husband, Frank, died 2 and 1/2 years ago. It was a nice, comfortable marriage.
I’m now 63 and alone. So after trying out different ways of meeting men and starting dating again I joined two dating services, went to a couple of local singles events, started taking tennis lessons and that’s when the story changes.

After about two months of lessons I got set up for doubles play. I was matched with this very attractive 46 year old guy. At first we where just friendly and just talked about tennis. Then gradually the quick drink after a match became a drink and dinner. He started to flirt with me, alot. He talked about the concept of friends with benefits. And he meant with me. This old body and that younger man. I was so flattered, I probably glowed.

So what do I do ? I would really like to have him as a benefit but I am overwhelmed about the physical stuff. Will he be disappointed when he sees me naked. Am I going to ruin a very nice friendship ?

I didn’t expect this one and it’s really thrown me for a loop. Help.


Dear Confused:

I some ways this is a delightful story. One so self affirming. You are an attractive woman. Sixty three isn’t as old as it used to be.

Playing tennis leads me in imply your are probably trim and healthy.And obviously still attractive to slightly younger men. My goodness men do this all the time. Their arm-candy, their trophy wives, etc..

Didn’t women’s lib give us the right to do that too if we want to?

But there’s the rub. Is this a moral issue or a new kind of dating thing. Friends with benefits is fairly new but has probably going on for years and years.

Think this one through, consider the pros and cons. On the pro side it will probably be fun and on the con side you’re almost old enough to be his mother.

Now that I’ve said that consider will you take the chance of losing a very nice new friendship or should you take the risk and become a benefit.?

About the Author

Dr Hedda Mae is a psychotherapist based in Oregon. She has been in private practice in both the clinical and private sectors and has spent many years as a national lecturer on subjects such as family dynamics, childhood and adult personality disorders and multicultural psychiatry. She can be reached at -

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