Dear Dr. Hedda – My Partner Wants Anal Sex?!

Posted on Jun 27 2014 - 10:55am by Dr Hedda Mae


Dear Dr. Hedda
Greg and I have been dating for  seven months and having sex for five months.  The sex is pretty darn good.  No fireworks but a steady, nice, gentle lover.  He recently brought up the subject of anal sex.  My first reaction was oh I don’t think so.  I’ve never done it and it isn’t on my bucket list.  Actually the idea of someone’s penis up my rectum doesn’t sound to appealing. And there must be health issues involved with it.  But he has brought it up several times(no pun intended).  I’ve managed to dance around the subject and never really said yes or no but I want to shout – no -never- are you crazy.
I like him alot.  We have fun together and have several mutual interests and life values.
So I don’t want him to run off when I say a firm no.  Is there some way I can let him know that I’m not interested in that but I am very interested in him.
No Bum Sex

Dear No Bum:
Sexual preferences vary from person to person, culture to culture, year to year.The behaviors you enjoy now may not last and in a few years you may prefer other techniques and styles.  As long as no one gets hurt or abused just about anything goes as long as both partners are in agreement. 
You may prefer vanilla ice cream while the next person in line prefers Rocky Road.  It’s just ice cream.
Sex is pretty much the same.  As long as it’s the style or technique you want the rest is just ice cream.
So come right out and tell exactly how you feel about anal sex. Also ask him about other sexual behaviors he likes that the two of you haven’t tried yet.  Tell him about your sexual fantasies and things you’d like to try with him.
If you have strong sexual differences this is the time to find out about them, not years from now when you are both unhappy about your sex life together.
So quit dancing and speak up about your true feelings.  For all you know he has been dancing too.
Dr Hedda 

About the Author

Dr Hedda Mae is a psychotherapist based in Oregon. She has been in private practice in both the clinical and private sectors and has spent many years as a national lecturer on subjects such as family dynamics, childhood and adult personality disorders and multicultural psychiatry. She can be reached at -

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