Dear Dr Hedda: Online Dating – Is it a Mistake?

Posted on Jan 4 2016 - 12:12pm by Dr Hedda Mae

Dear Dr. Hedda

So after much nagging from my friends I signed up on two different online dating sites. Big mistake. 90% of the men in my age group are also on two different sites so one would have been enough.

I have had 12 meet me dates in the last two weeks. Is it just me or is everyone disappointed. I made my online “profile” honest and clear about who I was and what I was looking for. Another big mistake. Most of the men I had “meet me” dates with where not exactly the person they said they were in their profiles. Pictures more than 5 years old, a little more extra weight than they mentioned, a wee bit shorter, a wee bit older than they said and definitely less interesting than they implied.

Several of them were just nice guys who felt no connection to me or me to them. This is not an effective way to meet people. Wait, that’s not right. It’s no way to meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Someone to love.

Maybe it works better with the younger dating range say 30-50 years old but for those of us past 60 no way.

All of this is leading me to believe that I should just leave well enough alone. Yes I’m lonely sometimes but I don’t want to settle for someone “just because”. And I don’t want to waste my time or their’s. And I have friends and family I could spend time with. Maybe I’ll be the sweet old-maid aunt everyone invites over for the holidays so she won’t be alone.

But like Freddie Mercury I want somebody to love I just don’t know where to go and how to meet the right guy.

Destined to be alone.

Dear Destined:

Online dating has its pros and cons. It does work for some, but not everyone. Social Media is the current trend in online dating, and some online services can be more specific to what you are looking for than others. I’m not saying that online dating is your only resource. Talk to people in your age group, couples and single people, and find out what they are doing socially.

This may sound old fashioned but it still works – volunteer for community activities, join or start a book club, take a class, take a group vacation with people you don’t know. Make yourself proactive. Dating is not a leisurely walk down the block, it’s work. You don’t want to repeat previous mistakes. In order to do that you are going to have to re-evaluate yourself.

What is preventing you from meeting the right person. Are you ruling men out for superficial reasons. Are you making this hard for yourself. So you can say “see I tried” to your friends. Give some of the nice but not perfect guys a chance. There’s more to getting to know someone than a brief “meet me” date.

Approach this with a more positive attitude. If he is not Mr. Right maybe he is your new best friend, a new tennis partner, someone to take walks with or the only guy you met in two years that likes the same kind of movies you do. You can never have enough friends. One of them may just introduce you to Prince Charming.

And you are not destined to be alone. Being alone is a choice.

Dr. Hedda

About the Author

Dr Hedda Mae is a psychotherapist based in Oregon. She has been in private practice in both the clinical and private sectors and has spent many years as a national lecturer on subjects such as family dynamics, childhood and adult personality disorders and multicultural psychiatry. She can be reached at -

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