Dear Dr. Hedda:
I live in a small town and there aren’t many dateable men in my age group which is the early 50s. So whenever an opportunity comes up to be fixed up with a man from another town I take advantage of it.
Well recently a friend fixed me up with this guy from a town about 90 miles from where I live. We talked on he phone a few times an seemed to have some values and interests in common so we agreed to meet.
We met one afternoon and I thought we had a very good time. We laughed a lot and told each some of our life stories. He was fun to be with, a little over weight yet not enough to turn me off.
After several hours we made plans to see each other again. He even agreed to drive the 90 miles and come to my town. I drove home feeling pretty good about myself and about him.
Several days past and I didn’t hear from him so being a modern woman I called him.
At first he was pleasant enough, said he was happy to hear from me then he said he felt like our relationship was moving to fast for him.
Fast, I said to myself, we’ve only seen each other once, hadn’t even kissed him just a friendly hug when we parted. What the hell was fast about that.
He said he would call me sometime soon and hung up. I’m pretty sure I will never hear from him again.
What the heck happened? Am I so old I don’t recognize the signals any more? This is very confusing and a little bit scary for me.
Are there new dating rules that I am unaware of? Did I make a big mistake by calling him first?
I thought women could do that now.
So now what ? Do I just forget about him? Should I wait awhile if he doesn’t call and call him again?
What did I do wrong? I finally met a man who interests me, my first date in over a year, and somehow I blew it.
Alone and Confused
Let’s start with the premise that everyone isn’t always who they say they are. Sometimes on a first date they say more of who they want to be rather than who they really are. Trying hard to make a good impression sometimes calls for a little creativity. And some people can be a little too creative. Especially if they are really not that interested in you.
So you could have misread the signals and/or he could have faked he signals.
Why would someone do that. There are several reasons. He could just be a liar, a player, someone who just likes to flirt but is not really interested in a relationship with you or anyone else.
He could be insecure and doesn’t really believe that you are interested in him.
He could be still getting over a bad relationship and doesn’t trust women right now.
Or he could just be an asshole and likes messing with peoples heads.
About you. Did you do anything wrong by calling him first. Maybe, if was truly interested in seeing you he would have been flattered if he is more insecure than you noticed you may have scared him. Yet on the other hand calling him was not a bad thing.
You learned something important- he’s not the guy for you.